I have many helpful resources that I turn to on a daily basis. There is a daily meditation book called “Healing After Loss”, a pamphlet called “Experiencing Grief”, a Kindle book called “Comfort for the Grieving Spouse’s Heart”, a Facebook group for people who have lost a spouse, and a prayer and meditation app called “Hallow”. They each have a slightly different emphasis and between all of them, there is always something I can relate to. One of the concepts that I’ve become very accustomed to is “firsts”.

“Firsts” refer to the first time I do something without Bernie. They can be predictable like a holiday or special occasion. There are many, many more that happen unexpectedly and can catch me unaware. Not long after Bernie passed away, I went to REI to return an item I had ordered online. Customer service was in the very back of the store so afterward, I found myself automatically walking toward the sock section. That’s where Bernie and I met whenever we shopped together at REI. When I looked up and realized that he wasn’t standing there, it practically brought me to my knees. I got out of there as fast as I could. It stayed with me for days and left me shaken.

Another bad one was going to the grocery store for the first time, when I automatically walked down the cereal aisle to pick up Bernie’s favorite cereal. I managed to hold it together enough to finish my shopping, but it wasn’t easy. There are many smaller things like cooking a favorite meal or seeing the cherry tree that he loved bloom again.

I’m not comfortable showing my emotions in public so going out was like an emotional landmine – I wasn’t sure what would trigger the pain and I wanted to avoid it altogether. What I’ve learned with the help of what others have written is that this is a common occurrence with grief. The first times are the hardest and I can go somewhere private if I need to be alone. I’ve learned through experience that the next time I experience it is a little easier. The cherry tree is now in full bloom and I can look at it and smile.

The Velveteen Rabbit stayed on a shelf to stay safe but missed out on life. I need and enjoy human contact and it is getting easier to be out in the world. I’m still hit with many, many “firsts” so I can’t avoid the pain. But the readings serve to let me know I’m not alone and that others have also navigated through the same landmines. Knowing what to expect and that it does get better gives me hope.