2019 – Last Post Today

Posted on December 31, 2024 by admin

I started this blog on 5/31/19 with the following post:

Everything Starts 6/2: We spent the day at Stanford for our last meeting with Bernie’s doctor before the stem cell transplant process begins. This Sunday we will be heading down there and staying over for 3 nights. Bernie will be getting chemo to suppress his bone marrow and also to stimulate his stem cells to come out into his bloodstream. He will be at risk for infection and has to take special precautions (hepa mask and dietary restrictions) until the middle of June when they harvest his stem cells in readiness for the transplant in July.

Back in 2019 when Bernie first got sick, I needed a way to keep our friends and family up to date on Bernie’s medical condition and treatment. Bernie was an immensely private person and so I created a password protected blog. I did my best to keep it as upbeat and positive so people wouldn’t worry. An unexpected benefit of writing almost daily was that it helped me to process my own experience and also helped to keep both of us positive and hopeful.

The three-plus years of Bernie’s remission following his transplant – July 2019-Dec. 2022 was a wonderful time together that I will always treasure. His second round of treatment was less successful as his body was less able to tolerate treatment so 2023 was a tough year for both of us and obviously ended rather catastrophically for me. Sorry to be so honest but that’s the way it was. One bright spot was my little pup Chica, that I adopted on Dec. 19th.

After Bernie passed away, I made this blog public and wrote about my grief which was helpful to me, and I hope others. I have been a writer all my life – I still have my first diary that I started in 1968. It’s how I process my feelings and how I communicate the best. I have so appreciated hearing from my readers, you all have been incredibly kind. I still write almost every day, not here but in some form or another.

I’m living on my own in Nevada City, in a very pretty place, but far from the Bay Area and the community that Bernie and I built over our 35 years together. As much as I love writing here, I find the one-way nature of it less helpful than before because it prevents me from hearing from YOU. This will be my last entry here but hopefully not my last communication with you, my friends and family.

On this last day of 2024, as I embark on my second year of my different life, I would like to resume communications via two-way email, text, call. Please let me know how you are doing, share your life, tell me about your adventures or your challenges. Thank you, friends and family, for being here over the last five years. Much love to all.

photo courtesy of JB Kahn – who took many of my favorite pictures of Bernie and Me

Reentering the World

Posted on December 7, 2024 by admin

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Bernie’s family back in Braintree, Mass. I refer to them as “Bernie’s family” as a way of explanation, but they are truly my family too.

To mark the one-year anniversary of Bernie’s passing. Julie, Jim, Brian, Kevin, Lauren and Kevin and I attended Mass at St. Clare church where Bernie grew up. Mass Intentions were dedicated to Bernie, as well as his parents and to Glenna, Kevin’s late wife. Being with the people that Bernie loved most, in the place where he grew up, was the best possible way to acknowledge the day.

Chica and I are still living in our cozy digs in Nevada City. I’ve been looking at homes to buy in Napa and even made an offer. That offer fell through and in retrospect, that was the best possible thing. I’m not feeling stressed or pressured to buy another house. I like where I’m living, and I trust that the right house will present itself at the right time.

Napa is where I want to be, and I embrace the saying from AA, “Let go and let God.” Speaking of, I just celebrated 37 years of sobriety on 11/27 which I acknowledged by attending Lady A, my home group in Oakland. The lengths of sobriety ranged from one day to thirty-eight years and the joy and hope in the room was palpable.

I’ve recently been made aware of two very close friends who have been diagnosed with serious illness. They have the support and love of friends and family, myself included, which I know first-hand is as important and crucial as chemo.

Having passed the one-year marker of losing Bernie, I feel a slight lifting of my grief, a new lightness. In the beginning, anything that triggered a memory would make me cry. Now, more often than not, seeing something that brings Bernie to mind makes me smile. I will still miss him every single day of my life, and I wouldn’t change anything about having known him and loved him.

My daily reading from yesterday did well at capturing where I am now in my journey.

Piece by piece, I reenter the world. A new phase. A new body, a new voice. Birds console me by flying, trees by growing, dogs by the warm patch they leave on the sofa. Unknown people merely by performing their motions. It’s like a slow recovery from a sickness, this recovery of one’s self.

-by Toby Talbot from Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman

Enjoying leftovers at Kevin’s house in Plymouth

Christmas tree in Kennebunkport, ME with Lobster topper

Julie and me in Kennebunkport, on our way to LL Bean

Beginnings and Endings

Posted on October 3, 2024 by admin

I’m happy to report that interest in my Oakland house is high! I met with the realtor on Sunday after the open house was supposed to be over and she had to turn people away. Monday was the day for realtors and she said she wasn’t sure if there would be a lot, but 22 realtors showed up! And there have been 2-3 showing every day since. My realtor made all this happen while I was hanging out in Graniteville. Offer day is next Tuesday so cross your fingers. Here’s the fancy slide show about my house.

https://www.7020pasorobles.com

I drove down to Oakland to attend my friend Sara’s annual Ladies Tea, but also was able to have breakfast, lunch and dinner with various friends and neighbors. My neighbors Susan and Bill let me stay at their place. It was so wonderful to connect with all of them! Chica and I were also able to get to our respective doctors for checkups. We were both given clean bills of health, and I got my COVID/Flu shots at Kaiser. Chica’s official adult weight is 6 lbs but she did make it clear that she does not like getting her nails clipped. Chica is now double the size when I first got her last December.

On a sad note, I need to report the passing of my oldest sister Kathleen Claire Hickey Casas on Thursday, September 26th in Actopan, Mexico. I had last spoken to her via WhatsApp chat over Labor Day and she seemed fine but she has not been in the best of health over the past few years. Official cause of death was a heart attack. She is predeceased by two years by her husband Otulio. Otulio’s family included Shannon and me via video at her wake and funeral. Rest in peace Kathe, I will miss you.