2019 – Last Post Today

Posted on December 31, 2024 by admin

I started this blog on 5/31/19 with the following post:

Everything Starts 6/2: We spent the day at Stanford for our last meeting with Bernie’s doctor before the stem cell transplant process begins. This Sunday we will be heading down there and staying over for 3 nights. Bernie will be getting chemo to suppress his bone marrow and also to stimulate his stem cells to come out into his bloodstream. He will be at risk for infection and has to take special precautions (hepa mask and dietary restrictions) until the middle of June when they harvest his stem cells in readiness for the transplant in July.

Back in 2019 when Bernie first got sick, I needed a way to keep our friends and family up to date on Bernie’s medical condition and treatment. Bernie was an immensely private person and so I created a password protected blog. I did my best to keep it as upbeat and positive so people wouldn’t worry. An unexpected benefit of writing almost daily was that it helped me to process my own experience and also helped to keep both of us positive and hopeful.

The three-plus years of Bernie’s remission following his transplant – July 2019-Dec. 2022 was a wonderful time together that I will always treasure. His second round of treatment was less successful as his body was less able to tolerate treatment so 2023 was a tough year for both of us and obviously ended rather catastrophically for me. Sorry to be so honest but that’s the way it was. One bright spot was my little pup Chica, that I adopted on Dec. 19th.

After Bernie passed away, I made this blog public and wrote about my grief which was helpful to me, and I hope others. I have been a writer all my life – I still have my first diary that I started in 1968. It’s how I process my feelings and how I communicate the best. I have so appreciated hearing from my readers, you all have been incredibly kind. I still write almost every day, not here but in some form or another.

I’m living on my own in Nevada City, in a very pretty place, but far from the Bay Area and the community that Bernie and I built over our 35 years together. As much as I love writing here, I find the one-way nature of it less helpful than before because it prevents me from hearing from YOU. This will be my last entry here but hopefully not my last communication with you, my friends and family.

On this last day of 2024, as I embark on my second year of my different life, I would like to resume communications via two-way email, text, call. Please let me know how you are doing, share your life, tell me about your adventures or your challenges. Thank you, friends and family, for being here over the last five years. Much love to all.

photo courtesy of JB Kahn – who took many of my favorite pictures of Bernie and Me

Beginnings and Endings

Posted on October 3, 2024 by admin

I’m happy to report that interest in my Oakland house is high! I met with the realtor on Sunday after the open house was supposed to be over and she had to turn people away. Monday was the day for realtors and she said she wasn’t sure if there would be a lot, but 22 realtors showed up! And there have been 2-3 showing every day since. My realtor made all this happen while I was hanging out in Graniteville. Offer day is next Tuesday so cross your fingers. Here’s the fancy slide show about my house.

https://www.7020pasorobles.com

I drove down to Oakland to attend my friend Sara’s annual Ladies Tea, but also was able to have breakfast, lunch and dinner with various friends and neighbors. My neighbors Susan and Bill let me stay at their place. It was so wonderful to connect with all of them! Chica and I were also able to get to our respective doctors for checkups. We were both given clean bills of health, and I got my COVID/Flu shots at Kaiser. Chica’s official adult weight is 6 lbs but she did make it clear that she does not like getting her nails clipped. Chica is now double the size when I first got her last December.

On a sad note, I need to report the passing of my oldest sister Kathleen Claire Hickey Casas on Thursday, September 26th in Actopan, Mexico. I had last spoken to her via WhatsApp chat over Labor Day and she seemed fine but she has not been in the best of health over the past few years. Official cause of death was a heart attack. She is predeceased by two years by her husband Otulio. Otulio’s family included Shannon and me via video at her wake and funeral. Rest in peace Kathe, I will miss you.

My sister Kathy’s place of rest next to her husband. This was taken the day after she died so they took care of everything very quickly as was their custom. They sang as they walked her to the graveyard which I found very touching and I appreciate them for everything they did to care for my sister, both before and after her death.

Hanging out with friends at Sara’s annual Tea. Chica was invited too. There were probably 30-40 women there, most of whom I knew. It was wonderful to see them all.

Hanging out in the yard with Chica who is doing her new favorite thing – stalking grasshoppers

The Great Divide

Posted on September 18, 2024 by admin

It’s been a long time between posts. Life has moved on with ups and downs and lots of changes. The biggest change is that since August 13th I’ve been living in Graniteville while my house in Oakland gets prepped for sale. There isn’t a single reason that I decided to move, a lot of little things came together with the ultimate goal of being out of the house before the holidays – for both practical and emotional reasons. There is something about the house in Oakland that screams out, “Bernie isn’t here”. I have spoken to some other women in my situation and it’s not an uncommon sentiment. For practical purposes, the Oakland house is difficult to navigate, not to mention to insure, so moving “home” to Napa feels like the right move.

Graniteville has not been without its challenges. I had a yellow jacket infestation which was remedied when I persuaded an exterminator to make the drive. He thought he was close when he got to Nevada City, so I had to give him the bad news that he had another hour and a dirt road to go. When I answered the door, he said simply, “You better give me a big tip!”, which I did! I also had to replace the battery on my new car and get a water leak fixed under the house. Luckily the plumber lives on the ridge. Every challenge I am able to handle on my own gives me a little spark of hope that I’m going to be okay.

I enjoy the solitude and simplicity of being in Graniteville. Chica and I have a nice routine that changes with the weather and amount of sunlight. I was happy to welcome guests – Pat and Sara, friends from Oakland, over Labor Day, and Ruth and Chris, second cousins from Washington state, this past weekend. Last Friday the three of us (plus Chica) made the trip up Hwy 49 along the Yuba River to Downieville, had a lovely lunch, went through Sierra City and took 89 back through the Sierra Valley to Truckee. We came back to Graniteville through Washington. I’d forgotten how pretty that drive could be, and it was fun to show the area to Ruth and Chris, who were enthusiastic first-time visitors.

What spurned me to write today was one of my readings. Being without Bernie feels like I stepped out of one world into a new one. When I was in Oakland, I had an unsettling feeling of watching all my friend’s world stay the same while I was watching from afar and I didn’t quite fit in either place. This is the reading that put that in perspective.

But I am no more I, nor is my house now my house. – Federico Garcia Lorca

The death of a loved one shifts the whole foundation of our life. Nothing is as it was. Even what was most familiar seems in a strange way unfamiliar. It is as though we had to learn a new language, a new way of seeing. Even the face in the mirror sometimes seems the face of a stranger.

What are we to make of this? Just that we truly have, in a way, entered a new country. Though the terrain looks much the same and many of the people are the same people, there is a different light over everything. – From Healing After Loss by Martha Whitemore Hicknan

I found this explanation comforting. I like the idea of everything just being cast in a new light. I still belong, the world just has a slightly different glow. I’m grateful for this time at the cabin to adjust to my new world. I was so busy in Oakland that there wasn’t much opportunity to reflect. After some weeks at the cabin, I know now that I needed some time alone. This time to reflect has also made me realize how lucky I am for all the people who have reached out and continue to stay connected. I’m blessed to have so many wonderful people, friends and family, in my life. Time alone is good but staying connected sustains me.

One of my favorite songs is Across the Great Divide, by Kate Wolf. I remember sitting in the sun in the front yard in Graniteville while Bernie and Jess (from the band) were playing guitars on the porch, working out the beautiful harmonies of that song. I thought to myself, “I will always remember this moment.” Later, whenever they sang it together, it brought that moment to mind. I have been afraid to hear it again, but this morning I played it, tears streaming, but also grateful for the beautiful music and the memory of that day.

I didn’t realize until today that the song would one day take on even more meaning. Despite the great divide between us, I am sustained by the memories of our life together and the great love that we shared.

He’s gone away in yesterday
And I find myself on the mountainside
Where the rivers change direction
Across the great divide – Kate Wolf

Firsts

Posted on April 10, 2024 by admin

I have many helpful resources that I turn to on a daily basis. There is a daily meditation book called “Healing After Loss”, a pamphlet called “Experiencing Grief”, a Kindle book called “Comfort for the Grieving Spouse’s Heart”, a Facebook group for people who have lost a spouse, and a prayer and meditation app called “Hallow”. They each have a slightly different emphasis and between all of them, there is always something I can relate to. One of the concepts that I’ve become very accustomed to is “firsts”.

“Firsts” refer to the first time I do something without Bernie. They can be predictable like a holiday or special occasion. There are many, many more that happen unexpectedly and can catch me unaware. Not long after Bernie passed away, I went to REI to return an item I had ordered online. Customer service was in the very back of the store so afterward, I found myself automatically walking toward the sock section. That’s where Bernie and I met whenever we shopped together at REI. When I looked up and realized that he wasn’t standing there, it practically brought me to my knees. I got out of there as fast as I could. It stayed with me for days and left me shaken.

Another bad one was going to the grocery store for the first time, when I automatically walked down the cereal aisle to pick up Bernie’s favorite cereal. I managed to hold it together enough to finish my shopping, but it wasn’t easy. There are many smaller things like cooking a favorite meal or seeing the cherry tree that he loved bloom again.

I’m not comfortable showing my emotions in public so going out was like an emotional landmine – I wasn’t sure what would trigger the pain and I wanted to avoid it altogether. What I’ve learned with the help of what others have written is that this is a common occurrence with grief. The first times are the hardest and I can go somewhere private if I need to be alone. I’ve learned through experience that the next time I experience it is a little easier. The cherry tree is now in full bloom and I can look at it and smile.

The Velveteen Rabbit stayed on a shelf to stay safe but missed out on life. I need and enjoy human contact and it is getting easier to be out in the world. I’m still hit with many, many “firsts” so I can’t avoid the pain. But the readings serve to let me know I’m not alone and that others have also navigated through the same landmines. Knowing what to expect and that it does get better gives me hope.