Today would have been Bernie’s and my 31st Anniversary. I felt a strong pull to be in Graniteville and I made it. There was a time when I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do it but here I am and I’m glad I came. My friend Pat told me that it’s possible to have two emotions at the same time which I’m finding to be true. I feel the grief of missing the love of my life in our favorite place, but also a deep gratitude of our life together here.
Sunny, Chica and I drove up on Monday and found it to be warm and lovely out. I had some anxiety about getting everything up and running now that the house is more complicated – on-demand water heater, disconnected bathroom and kitchen faucets, propane heater etc. Yesterday I studied the videos that Bernie and I made describing how to turn everything on and I got to work. Got everything connected and then I cooked clam linguine, the dinner that Bernie and I always have on our first night.
By bedtime the propane pipes had not completely filled so there was no heat. I slept with a flannel covered down quilt, Chica buried down by my feet. Chilly morning (46 in house, 36 outside) but got the fire going and pondered my future. I didn’t think I wanted to spend another cold night/morning and felt some despair about my ability to keep coming up here by myself. But I persevered, took a deep breath and kept at it until finally the heat and hot water came on. I was jubilant and I like to think that Bernie would be proud.
Chica is having a blast and Sunny has perked up almost like her younger self (she’s 15). We did the hike I call “the loop” yesterday and Chica jumped over every log that Sunny went over. I am keeping Chica on a 30-foot-long leash. They both conked out last night in true Graniteville tradition.
It’s gorgeous out, warm and sunny and I feel Bernie everywhere. I keep expecting him to walk around the corner or to see him off in the distance splitting wood. It will be a very long time until I stop seeing him everywhere, and I’ll never stop loving and missing him. My ‘first’ lunch on the porch was tough. But the woods, the sound of the creek and the impossibly bright blue sky are doing their magic, and I can feel the start of a healing.
I’m also very touched by the generosity of my neighbors Sam and Mac. Both stopped by to assure me if I ever need anything, not to hesitate to ask. Mac brought me a delicious homemade pizza. I had a leak under the bathroom sink and they both tried to fix it. I left a message with Lee, the plumber who worked on our house in 2020. Much to my awe and delight, he showed up this morning. I can’t even get a plumber that fast in Oakland!
One of Bernie’s and my favorite things to do was to sit together in the yard, look at the garden, listen to the creek and enjoy being together in our favorite place. I hope he knows that he’s still here with me.
