It’s been a long time between posts. Life has moved on with ups and downs and lots of changes. The biggest change is that since August 13th I’ve been living in Graniteville while my house in Oakland gets prepped for sale. There isn’t a single reason that I decided to move, a lot of little things came together with the ultimate goal of being out of the house before the holidays – for both practical and emotional reasons. There is something about the house in Oakland that screams out, “Bernie isn’t here”. I have spoken to some other women in my situation and it’s not an uncommon sentiment. For practical purposes, the Oakland house is difficult to navigate, not to mention to insure, so moving “home” to Napa feels like the right move.

Graniteville has not been without its challenges. I had a yellow jacket infestation which was remedied when I persuaded an exterminator to make the drive. He thought he was close when he got to Nevada City, so I had to give him the bad news that he had another hour and a dirt road to go. When I answered the door, he said simply, “You better give me a big tip!”, which I did! I also had to replace the battery on my new car and get a water leak fixed under the house. Luckily the plumber lives on the ridge. Every challenge I am able to handle on my own gives me a little spark of hope that I’m going to be okay.

I enjoy the solitude and simplicity of being in Graniteville. Chica and I have a nice routine that changes with the weather and amount of sunlight. I was happy to welcome guests – Pat and Sara, friends from Oakland, over Labor Day, and Ruth and Chris, second cousins from Washington state, this past weekend. Last Friday the three of us (plus Chica) made the trip up Hwy 49 along the Yuba River to Downieville, had a lovely lunch, went through Sierra City and took 89 back through the Sierra Valley to Truckee. We came back to Graniteville through Washington. I’d forgotten how pretty that drive could be, and it was fun to show the area to Ruth and Chris, who were enthusiastic first-time visitors.

What spurned me to write today was one of my readings. Being without Bernie feels like I stepped out of one world into a new one. When I was in Oakland, I had an unsettling feeling of watching all my friend’s world stay the same while I was watching from afar and I didn’t quite fit in either place. This is the reading that put that in perspective.

But I am no more I, nor is my house now my house. – Federico Garcia Lorca

The death of a loved one shifts the whole foundation of our life. Nothing is as it was. Even what was most familiar seems in a strange way unfamiliar. It is as though we had to learn a new language, a new way of seeing. Even the face in the mirror sometimes seems the face of a stranger.

What are we to make of this? Just that we truly have, in a way, entered a new country. Though the terrain looks much the same and many of the people are the same people, there is a different light over everything. – From Healing After Loss by Martha Whitemore Hicknan

I found this explanation comforting. I like the idea of everything just being cast in a new light. I still belong, the world just has a slightly different glow. I’m grateful for this time at the cabin to adjust to my new world. I was so busy in Oakland that there wasn’t much opportunity to reflect. After some weeks at the cabin, I know now that I needed some time alone. This time to reflect has also made me realize how lucky I am for all the people who have reached out and continue to stay connected. I’m blessed to have so many wonderful people, friends and family, in my life. Time alone is good but staying connected sustains me.

One of my favorite songs is Across the Great Divide, by Kate Wolf. I remember sitting in the sun in the front yard in Graniteville while Bernie and Jess (from the band) were playing guitars on the porch, working out the beautiful harmonies of that song. I thought to myself, “I will always remember this moment.” Later, whenever they sang it together, it brought that moment to mind. I have been afraid to hear it again, but this morning I played it, tears streaming, but also grateful for the beautiful music and the memory of that day.

I didn’t realize until today that the song would one day take on even more meaning. Despite the great divide between us, I am sustained by the memories of our life together and the great love that we shared.

He’s gone away in yesterday
And I find myself on the mountainside
Where the rivers change direction
Across the great divide – Kate Wolf